Early Morning Musings

For some reason I’m up at 3:40am.  I woke up around midnight and started reading. (damn those addictive un-put-downable Twilight books). I haven’t been able to get  back to sleep so I ended up at the keyboard.

What is it about the wee hours that makes you dig into the dark recesses of your mind and pull out the not-so pretty thoughts in there for examination?

I find myself wondering why it is that just when I think I am have gained some level of mastery over certain habitual emotional responses, they pop back up in a most annoying fashion.

Granted they appear with less frequency but appear they do.

The particular emotional response that was triggered for me today is that awful feeling of female insecurity. The one that makes you feel unfabulous and completely resentful of all other women who seem far more fabulous than you. It’s an all too familiar wash of despair that makes you believe yourself to be a totally lost cause.  Unlovable, uninteresting, icky and generally blah. You get the gist.

I can say with all certainty that intellectually I now recognize the false “illusion” of these types of feelings, yet here they are again. I get that they are not real. I know that I AM fabulous and need only believe it – but good grief it can be hard.

I had a couple of triggers which put me in a first class seat on the insecurity train, leading to a day of being plagued by general pissivity at all the men who just do not get my magic.

I have found myself thinking evil thoughts of revenge and punishment. I have wished heartbreak and rejection on them. I have rejected any compulsion to be the bigger person and be friends with any man who has had the sheer gall to reject me, much less think kind, loving and forgiving thoughts about him.  This self-righteous feminist  screw-them-because-they-don’t-deserve-me-any-way rant is just a front for the whiny how-come-no-one-will-love-me-or-want-me-the-way-I-want-them-to tirade.

I’m not proud of myself. But there it is.

I don’t really mean any of the evil thoughts. Really I don’t. It’s a habit. Something I’m working  through.

I’ve gone for a long stretch of time staying away from this kind of negative decidedly un-spiritual thinking.  I had minor relapse today. What can I say – I’m a fabulous work in progress.

In a recent post on journaling my friend Deb shared this reflection:

I’m not sure there’s a conclusion here, but I suppose that’s one of the things I’ve learned about having a writing practice.  It isn’t always about a deep, profound conclusion you come to at the end of each day when you sit down to write … no thoughtful wrap-up or answer needed when you close one book (or entry or blog post) to begin another; sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got until you read through and see the patterns.

I definitely have no profound conclusion after writing is. The closest thing to a conclusion that I can draw is that it is what it is. Tomorrow’s a new day. I will renew my focus on thinking healthy, loving thoughts towards mySELF and all the clueless men who just don’t know better. KIDDING. That was a joke.

Seriously though, I’ve heard it said that the lesson repeats until the lesson is learned. This is a particular lesson that I clearly haven’t mastered yet. I’m getting there. Some day soon it will be learned.

I may very well regret the honesty of this post when daylight comes. I can only blame my reckless abandon on delirium brought about by a lack of sleep.

However, I KNOW I’m not the only person who thinks these thoughts.

It is what it is. Make of it what you will.