There is a washing machine in the basement of the house I live in. It sits directly beneath a window which is a favorite spot for my landlord’s cats Persephone and Zoe. They jump on to the washer en route to the window ledge which affords them a grand view of the driveway. They are not little cats and their repeated jumping onto the washer has shifted the sensor mechanism in the lid. When you use the washer, it stops as soon as it fills with water. Getting it to continue requires a delicate operation of nudging the lid to the left – while it’s closed – until the sensor engages and the machine starts running.
I was getting ready to go on a trip and ran down to the basement to do a load of laundry. It had been a while, so I’d forgotten what the trick was. Feeling a little silly, I called my landlord who explained to me again that I just needed to nudge the lid to the back left corner. It sounded simple enough, but after 15 minutes I just couldn’t get the damn thing to turn on. Luckily my neighbor came home then. SHE knows the trick and she demonstrated it for me. Her version of the trick turned out to be a little more involved.
First she opened the lid – which was dented inwards because of the weight of the cats. She gave it a quick punch which popped it back out. Then she closed it and pushed down on it several times. Finally she nudged it to the left, pushed firmly down on it again – and it started right up. I felt relieved, thinking that my landlord had only given me half of the trick. No wonder it hadn’t worked
The next day I went to do another load of laundry. Having watched my neighbor closely, I was confident that I could get it to work. I waited while it filled with water. Then it stopped. I carefully started to recreate the steps. Open the lid. A quick punch with my fist. The indent in the lid popped right out. Then, close it and push down on it really hard. Ok. Good. Now, slip my fingers into the right front corner of the lid and nudge it to the left. Finally, one last firm push and … NOTHING.
I must have done something wrong I tell myself. So I repeat. Open, punch, close, push, nudge, push. Still nothing. Maybe I got the order wrong I think, so I try again. This time, open, punch, close, nudge, push, push. No joy. Nudge, push, open punch, close, push doesn’t work either. I start to get slightly hysterical as I repeatedly try various combinations. Pretty soon the push becomes violent pounding on the lid. Finally I try a trick of my own, pound, pound, kick, kick, pound. At this point I am almost crying in disbelief and frustration. My neighbor is not home so I can’t ask her to come rescue me again. After 25 minutes of this, I give the machine one final, vicious kick and declare defeat.
I leave a snippy little note for my landlord expressing my frustration and displeasure at being inconvenienced in this way. Is it too much to expect that the equipment in the house work? This kind of snippiness is unlike me and later I feel ashamed of myself. When he comes home several hours later he apologizes profusely and promises to fix it. Of course HE is able to turn on the washer with no problem. $*#$(#$&)$*#$*^$* machine!
I have always felt about life the way I feel about that washer – that there is a trick to making it work which I can’t seem to master.
I used to watch people seemingly make their lives work and wonder how come they knew the trick and I didn’t. I was convinced that the trick had been withheld from me because I was somehow unworthy of it. Even when people shared their version of the trick with me, I would repeat the exact same steps with no success. Just like with the washer, I’d try different combinations but never be able to get them to work, and I would end up frustrated and angry, constantly pounding and kicking at life until I was forced to throw my hands up in defeat. I judged myself very harshly for not being able to master my life and lately had almost given up hope.
A few weeks ago on what some might consider to be a whim, I became a student of the Inner Visions Institute for Spiritual Development which was founded by Iyanla Vanzant and her late daughter. Iyanla still leads the institute, teaching some of the classes. The program I joined – to quote from their website – “is a two-year course of study which covers the basic principles and practices required in developing a spiritually grounded life and lifestyle.” There is also a third year of study leading to a certification as a spiritual life coach and a fourth year leading to ministerial ordination.
So starting in October, I’ll be heading to Silver Spring, Maryland one weekend a month for classes. Some of the classes I’ll be taking include: Practical Metaphysics; Healthy Mind/Healthy Body; Meditation Practices & Principles; Prayer Practices & Principles; Effective Communication; Fundamentals of Spiritual Life Development; Fundamentals of Relationships and Introduction to A Course in Miracles. Awesome stuff!
The program began with a week long retreat, known as the Summer Intensive which was held at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck NY. I’ve always wanted to go to Omega and it was everything I thought it would be and more. A beautiful, peaceful campus, delicious (vegetarian) food and like-minded people from all over the world. I just love the idea of a community completely committed to learning.
The week was wonderful. I really enjoyed meeting my 40 classmates, who are my new family. There are people from all over the US – Georgia, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Illinois, North Carolina, and Missouri to name a few. There are even two international students. One from Canada and one from Germany!
Having read all of Iyanla’s books, I am beyond thrilled to be studying with her. She is amazing! Her spirit and presence are BIG and beautiful. At one point she said something that really resonated with me, that great teachers are not those who put stuff in, but who draw stuff out of people. She is indeed a great teacher.
After the retreat, for the first time in my life, I’m OK with not knowing the trick. I feel clear that it is has not been withheld from me. Maybe I wasn’t ever supposed to know it. I am now open to the possibility that the journey of life is really about discovering the trick and that its OK to ask for help. It had never occurred to me that I could just ask God to make my life work. That in fact it was his job to know the trick – not mine. I’d always been convinced that I SHOULD know it, and that I had to do it all by myself. What blessed relief to admit that I don’t know how. I can finally stop the pounding and kicking. Even more comforting is the realization that while I’d been sure that EVERYONE except me was in the know, this is just not true. I was using this lie to beat up on myself and convince myself that I was unworthy.
My neighbor has lived in our house for 2 years, and it took her a while to learn how to make the washer work. And like me she had to ask for help until she was able to do it on her own. Pretty soon I’ll learn to make the washer work too – and when the next new tenant moves into the building maybe they’ll turn to me to learn how to make it work.
I am grateful for Inner Visions because Iyanla and her amazing staff have been on the path of learning how to make their own lives work for a long time, and I can learn from them, until I can do it myself. But best of all, is the fact that the real trick lies in a presence bigger than all of us. This is where the where the truth of the making life work resides. Call it God, call it Spirit, call it Universal Energy -call it whatever works for you – but know that it’s something we can all tap into to and which is always available to us!
