I’m ready to be wrong

A few weeks ago I watched a re-run of Oprah featuring Kirsty Alley. She was on the show after having  become a spokesperson for Jenny Craig, losing over 70lbs and then gaining it all back a year later.  She talked about what it was like “failing” so publicly.  As they discussed the weight issue, Oprah said of her own struggle,  “I can’t believe I’m still talking about this”. That really resonated with me.

This is how I’ve been feeling lately. I can’t believe I’m still talking about certain issues in my life.

Just when I think I’ve grown in a certain area, I seem to come circling back to it. In fact often it feels like I come back to it in an even worse way then I did the last time. It’s like putting on the weight you lost, plus a little extra.

It’s certainly happened to me with my weight, but there are a number of hot topics for me. For example I can’t believe I’m still talking about the same issues around relationships. I can’t believe that I am still experiencing insecurity and neediness in this regard. Shouldn’t this have stopped in my 20′s? How can it still be such hot topic?   How can a tiny little thing like seeing a picture of an ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend send me spiraling into a frenzy of comparison which leads me to conclude that our relationship didn’t work because I am not as beautiful/interesting /sexy/brilliant as she is. No wonder he broke up with. Who could blame the guy?  I get to feeling so bad about myself that I have to call for help – being talked down from the precipice yet again by my lovely friends. They remind me of  how wonderful I am, administering the kind of emergency care that only girlfriends can give.  A good bottle of wine, a decadent meal, lots of laughter, lots of love and praise. After a while I am able to step back from the precipice. The bottom line though is I can’t believe I’m still talking about this!

There are other places in my life where this happens. Lately its started to make me feel really disheartened. When does it ever end?  Why doesn’t it ever end? Why doesn’t it get better? Why am I back here again?

Last night, after listening to me talk about an issue yet again, a friend asked me “Are you ready to be wrong?” I couldn’t answer immediately.

As I thought about it, it occurred to me that maybe all the things I’m still talking about are those which I haven’t yet been ready to be wrong about. YET.

So many of us hold on to things – whether its feeling bad ourselves or having anger and resentment towards people in our lives because we are so committed to being “right”.  If there is a place where we can’t heal, can’t forgive, can’t forget, can’t move on – its a sure bet that we are clinging  tightly to the way we’ve always seen the situation and we are not yet willing to be open to the possibility that we are wrong about it. Even if its painful we cling on. Even when on some level we KNOW better – know that we need to let something go because its hurting us – we continue to hang on. “Why am I still hanging on to this when I know better?”, I asked my friend.  “Because it doesn’t hurt enough yet” she replied. Ouch.

It hurts enough. In fact it hurts more than enough.

I’m ready and willing to be wrong about a this.  I’m willing to see it differently.

  • Gerrie

    A courageous and daring stand here that you are taking!

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