I woke the next morning feeling a sense of something having shifted. In me. In the world.

Anything and everything seems possible.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
Marianne Williamson – A Return to Love

Several years ago I attended a seminar, the closing event of which is something I will never forget.

On the last day all the chairs were removed from the large hotel conference room the event was held in. Everything pushed to the edges of the room. We all stood. Close to 1000 people in a rough circle 2 or 3 lines deep to allow us all to fit into the now empty space. Every person was given a candle and the lights were turned out. Then, on each side of the large room a brief flare of light as two candles were lit – barely visible in the vastness of the darkened ballroom.

The two people who held those candles leaned over and lit the candles of the people standing next to them. And those people did the same.  Slowly one person at a time, candle after candle was lit.

As the burning  candles increased in number, people no longer lit just the candles of the people on their left or right. They looked in front, behind. Wherever there was a pocket of darkness, someone willingly shared their light. Within minutes the room was blazing with light, without a single break in the brightness.

It was one of the most intense experiences of my life – this powerful demonstration of what happens when we share our light with others.

I was reminded of this experience as I listened to President Elect Obama’s speech. Watching in wonder as people cried, danced, and cheered in jubilation – their faces lit by the glow of shared hopes and dreams.  These were not people united by fear or the desire to fight a common enemy. These were people tied together by dreams for a better country. A better world. These people were all lit up from the inside.

This presidential campaign began as with a solitary light and in the days leading up to the announcement that Barack Obama is the President Elect, people have been spreading the light with ferocity.

The world was blazing on November 4th. We have to keep it that way.

I don’t know about you, but I’m burning bright. I intend to keeping my candle lit. I’m looking around me for the dark places into which I can extend my flame.

I feel braver now. More sure of the fact that I can and should let my own light shine without apology or wavering.

The room has by no means been completely lit. Pockets of darkness remain – and the work of spreading the light needs to continue with the same determination we had during the intense days of the campaign.

I believe that if we all do this, pretty soon everything will be illuminated.

Keep the candles burning.

I think my list was a little optimistic. It included putting away my winter clothes, planting some flowers, sorting and purging papers in my office, vacuuming the carpet and mopping the floors. Not to mention at least 3 timely work projects that needed attention. The project I was most excited about was working on the “library” in my new house (is it still new after 2 months?). I was planning on going to Ikea with my handyman, picking up the bookcases and having him install them AND I thought I would get to put all books on said shelves when he was done. This on top of all the projects I mentioned. Oh and I was expecting a friend for brunch on Sunday and SuperHero was planning on coming to hang out.

Pretty ambitious plan huh? OK, so my grasp of the limitations of linear time is a little tenuous.

Thursday night I unpacked my books and did a quick first sort into fiction and non-fiction piles. Friday I worked for most of the day on my work projects, and managed to simultaneously sort my spare room which has served as a staging area during the move. Translation: it was full of boxes and all the stuff I had yet to unpack. Very productive day. I did get a lot done. Just not enough.

I was going until 10pm on Friday, when a little anxiety started to kick in. The next day was Saturday and I felt like I hadn’t even made a dent in the list. I had intended to make the Ikea trip on Saturday, do grocery shopping, return some blinds, and do all the cleaning.

By the time I woke up on Saturday morning feeling full-blown “its-not-all-going-to-get-done” despair. I was so anxious and stressed that I couldn’t focus. I decided that the Ikea trip and the library project could be postponed. I finally made it out of the house at about 2pm to run my errands, but I was still a little off.

6:45pm found me in wandering the aisles of Walmart (I KNOW). Dazed and confused I was trying to find baking soda and failing. I knew that something was really wrong when a woman came up to me with a very strange look and said “Excuse me, thats my cart”. I stared at her for a few seconds trying to comprehend what she was saying. I looked down and realized that I’d taken off with her cart (whose contents were very different from mine). I apologized profusely but frankly she looked a little terrified. I was so dazed and disoriented she probably thought I was on drugs. I suspect that I had been so caught up in the anxiety ridden rant that was going on in my mind that I couldn’t hear her and she had been following and calling after me for a while.

Thats when I called it quits and went home to regroup.

A former co-worker coined a phrase that my colleagues and I still use. “It ain’t killer bees!”. I’m not sure if she came up with it herself or if it should be attributed to someone else. The point is I decided that nothing on my list was killer bees. So what if I didn’t mop my floors and vacuum my rugs before my friend came over? So what if my I had piles of books in my living room for another week or two?

It got me to thinking about the insane “get-it-doneness” of my world and how it can stop me from being present in my own life. I’ve learned so much in my spiritual studies about being in the moment. Like many people I’ve read the Power of Now. I get it. Life is about being present, because those moments when you aren’t present can not be replayed. You can’t say, “Oh wait, I wasn’t paying attention, can we do that again”. Have you ever had a conversation with someone when they were telling you something important and you suddenly realize that you stopped listening 2 minutes ago and were worrying about a project at work or a situation at home.? It’s happened to me and its a sure sign that you need to take a DEEP breath and hit the proverbial pause button.

Aside from the fact that this kind of over extended life stops you from being present and living in the moment, it also never gives you a chance to recharge. Technology has us so plugged in that many of us, myself included, are completely bereft of boundaries. We work constantly all hours of day or night. Weekends are no longer opportunites for relaxing and enjoyment . They just become days when we work from a location other than our office. Long weekends like this one present an opportunity to get more done, rather than an opportunity to relax, spend time with family and friends, read a good book, sit in the sunshine, go for a walk. Enjoy ourselves.

The incident in Walmart scared the crap of out me because there was a long moment when I had absolutely no idea where I was. Pretty much the opposite of being in the present moment. I was also exhausted, depleted and just plain blue.

Sometimes we have to just stop trying to get things done. Don’t get me wrong, being productive and organized and getting stuff accomplished is great. Its only a problem when you find yourself standing in the middle of a Walmart superstore with someone looking at you as if you’re a dangerous nutcase who might at any moment pull a machete out of her Nine West purse and start swinging.

The lesson I learned this weekend is that I have to take care of myself and give myself time to enjoy life so that I’m able to handle the necessities of my life with clarity and focus and without anxiety. I know that it is in fact possible to be present doing something as mundane as your weekly grocery shopping or the dishes. I took a class at a Bhuddist center last year and one of the practices I learned and love is that of dedicating mundane tasks to the good of all living beings. I’ve washed dishes, having made a silent dedication and taken great pleasure in the process of warm soapy water and squeaky clean dishes. I find the dedicating of a task like that helps to ground me and forces me to be more present.

I also realize that in order to do my work and handle all my committments at the highest level, to play my best game as it where, I need to be rested and happy. Not overwrought and anxious. Had I done all the work on my list I would have come out of the weekend tired and even more stressed. Not a good way to start out a week that I know is going be very demanding.

I guess sometimes you have to scare yourself into being present. If you’re wandering aimilessly in a superstore or anywhere else feeling scattered, disoriented, irritated, confused, lost, overwhelmed, tired and anxious, then you need to stop.

So here it is late Monday afternoon. Memorial Day The long weekend is drawing to a close and you know what? After the Walmart incident, I stopped. I didn’t do any of the things on the list. My friend came over for brunch yesterday. We had a great time catching up, even though my floors weren’t mopped and the carpet hadn’t been vacuumed.

Superhero came over last night and we spent the evening listening to music, talking, drinking wine. Today I didn’t work. We slept late. I made omlettes which we ate on the deck. Then we sat there soaking in the sunshine and watching cars and bikes go by on the road below. We laughed and talked and were silent. Every so often one of us would remark on the blueness of the sky, the beauty of the trees or the sweetness of the breeze. We were totally in the moment. This afternoon I was no place other than where I was.

Now SuperHero has gone home to do his laundry and I’m sitting on the deck with my laptop. When I’m done with this post I think I”ll grab a book and read for a while. As for the list, it will all get done eventually. For now I’m enjoying this moment. Not only that, but instead of skidding into the coming week, tired, anxious, stressed and depleted, I’ll go into it feeling relaxed, clear and ready to take on all the tasks that I need to accomplish! After all, “It ain’t killer bees people”!

The Suitor

We lie back to back. Curtains
lift and fall,
like the chest of someone sleeping.
Wind moves the leaves of the box elder;
they show their light undersides,
turning all at once
like a school of fish.
Suddenly I understand that I am happy.
For months this feeling
has been coming closer, stopping
for short visits, like a timid suitor.

Jane Kenyon

A colleague shared this beautiful Jane Kenyon poem with me. It got me thinking about the nature of happiness and what often seems like our never ending quest for it.

I remember for years, wondering when I would be happy. I was waiting for happiness to arrive, and it always seemed to be contingent on something else – the right relationship, finishing my masters degree, earning a certain amount of money, losing 10/20/30 pounds.

When any of the things I thought would yield happiness came, there would be a brief sense of accomplishment and excitement, quickly followed by a feeling of disappointment as I realized that I still wasn’t happy. I always attributed it to the fact that I’d been mistaken. I guess the degree wasn’t the thing that would bring me happiness, it must the relationship. And so I would recommence my wait for happiness to arrive on my doorstep.

After a while I started to feel as if it was never coming and in fact, I started to worry that I wouldn’t even know how to recognize if and when it did come.

Recently, its dawned on me that I was over complicating the issue. I guess I’d developed some very strange notions about what happiness feels and looks like. I’d become fixated on the idea that it would be exciting and impossible to miss. I didn’t think it would come in “like a timid” suitor, more like a flashy, arrogant overconfident suitor, ready to sweep me of my feet in dramatic fashion. I was waiting for the Hollywood blockbuster movie version of happiness with all its special effects and excitement.

In reality there is a big difference between happiness and excitement, even though many of us confuse the two.

I’m finding for myself, that all of my notions about happiness have been so inaccurate its no wonder I haven’t been able to find it. Happiness doesn’t enter with fanfare and fireworks. It’s like a tiny butterfly, that floats in towards you and finally lands gently and almost imperceptibly on you.  You have to be paying attention to see it. Above all, you have to still enough to allow it to land.

Most of us, myself included can’t sit still long enough for happiness to land on us. We’re moving targets. Constantly fidgeting, twitching and jumping around far too much to allow it to land.

The irony is that we’re often so busy looking for excitement that we miss the happiness under our nose.

Last summer I spent 8 days by myself, living in a yurt in the middle of the Catskills Mountains. It was the first time I’d ever gone anywhere remote by myself.

I was excited about the trip and couldn’t wait to have all that alone time. I was particularly looking forward to having to DO nothing. Instead I could just BE.

I arrived late one warm summer afternoon. As I unloaded my car, the sky started to darken and a gentle rain started to fall. By the time I got all my stuff in the yurt a full blown mountain storm was in effect. It was amazing to watch, especially given the 5 foot skylight in the yurt. I made myself a cup of tea and sat down to watch the rain.

After about 10 minutes I thought “Now what? “. Sheer panic set in. I felt like I should do something – but what? I didn’t have a TV to turn on. No movies to watch. No radio. No cell phone reception. I had my laptop, but knew that turning it on was not what I needed to do. I sensed that I was coming up against something that I needed to understand and move beyond. My inability to be still.

I was practically itching I was feeling so antsy. My panic escalated as I wondered what on earth I would do in the woods for the next 8 days. By myself. What had I been thinking? Maybe I could get my money back and head back to civilization the next day. I started reading, which distracted me until I fell asleep.

The next morning I felt calmer. That day, I slept, I journaled and I wandered cautiously into the woods for a few minutes. Before I knew it a whole day had passed, and I hadn’t actually done anything.

In the days to follow it became easier to do nothing. To just be.

One day I remember walking into the woods. I came across a fallen log, and decided to sit for a while. A while turned into an hour. Maybe longer. I just sat.

I was perfectly content sitting on that log in the middle of the woods, listening to the rustle of the breeze in the trees, watching the sun dance on the leaves. Suddenly I too understood that in that moment I was happy.

I’d like to tell you that since that day, these moments have become daily and lengthy occurrences, but I’d be lying. After all, I had to leave the woods and come back to my life, with all its numerous demands on my time, energy and attention.  The great thing is that the door was opened that day, and happiness would gradually begin to visit more and more often.

And yes, since then there have been moments. I notice them more often, however brief they may be. Having recently moved to a new house on 3 acres of woods I noticed another moment like this this past weekend. Walking in the woods with a friend, and being perfectly content to be there, needing nothing else. In that moment I was happy.

Maybe you’re like me and have been wondering when happiness is going to show up for you. Maybe it has and you just haven’t noticed. Yes, finding time to be still is a challenge for many of us given our busy lives, but it is possible to take a moment, however brief, to pause and be still.

It could be as brief as 30 seconds. When you walk out of your door in morning, pause before you get in your car and look up at the sky. Make a promise to yourself that you’ll have at least one moment of stillness everyday. Believe me it can and will make a difference.

Give happiness a chance to land on you.

Surprisingly, I was really calm about the loss and I chose to see it as an opportunity to create an even better version of the blog. Besides which, its NOT killer bees people!

I do have some of last years posts backed up and at some point I may restore those, for right now however, there will all new musings.

There are lots of changes that will be coming for me this year. Stay tuned for details in the weeks and months to come!

It’s clear to me that this will be a year of great change and growth for so many of us. Already, I see so many people around me who are responding to a new energy and moving their lives forwards and upwards in amazing and truly exciting ways.

There is much to look forward to!

much love