“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

~George Bernard Shaw

There are big happenings in my life!  I am being swept up in a huge wave of change.  New projects, new partnerships, and new possibilities are appearing at such a rate that my head is spinning

You’ll know from a my last post that I was doing some serious questioning about what  I was doing with my life.

Well ask and you shall receive. My questions were heard and the universe has begun to deliver all sorts of amazing answers in the most incredible ways!

My New Role

I am thrilled to let you all know that at the invitation of  my friend Kathy Smyly Miller, CEO of  Wellness Possibilities (www.wellnesspossibilities.com) I have taken on the role of hosting their podcast – Holistic Health & Wellness - which is one of the most popular alternative health podcasts on iTunes. Past guests on the show have included people like Debbie Ford, Christiane Northup, Bernie Siegel, David Wolfe and Mallika Chopra.

My first interview was with the author of one of my ALL time favorite books ~ The Four Agreements . What a gift it was for me to be able so speak one-on-one with the wonderfully wise don Miguel Ruiz. I first read the Four Agreements 4 or 5 years ago, and it has been powerful support tool in my own personal evolution. It is one of those books which I come back to often. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to have my first interview with.

I got the email from Kathy inviting me to host the podcast at the height (or depth) of my questioning, but the seed for this happening was planted a few years ago in some conversations we had.  At the time I was really interested in the idea of helping Wellness Possibilities put together a podcast. It never happened, and from where I stand now I am SO grateful for that. I recognize that I just wasn’t in the right place to have been able to do it.

Now the moment is perfect and the timing is sublime.

My New Partnership

In addition to hosting the podcast I will be partnering with Wellness Possibilities on some other projects. There is even the possibility of  sharing a BEAUTIFUL office space with them, thus ending the isolation of working at home  – and opening the door to even more possibilities.

My New Offerings

I am riding the wave of this amazing creative energy surrounding me, and I will also be re-imagining and re-aligning my technology work so that I can experience the same joy doing that, that I am experiencing with the new hosting gig. I will be creating some exciting new support offerings for small business owners around the conscious use of technology!  More to be revealed.

See what I mean? Change, change, change! There is so much more I could say about all of this transition – but not yet.

Please check out the Holistic Health & Wellness Podcast and listen to my first interview with don Miguel Ruiz.  Tell me what you think.

New episodes will begin airing on Monday June 20th. We’re lining up some wonderful guests so stay tuned for more details!

“Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love
It will not lead you astray” ~Rumi

A few weeks ago while catching up with one of my favorite Uncles, he asked me to have a conversation with his eldest daughter, who is in her last year of high school and planning to go on to university to study actuarial science. He is concerned that this particular path of study is not one that offers plenty of employment opportunities. I don’t know anything about being an actuary, so I can’t say if this is indeed the case.

He  seemed to think that “I” could offer her practical advice that might encourage her to consider a different path.

I wondered what on earth I could possibly tell her. I didn’t say to my Uncle that in fact I felt like the least qualified person to advice a young person on a career path. Particularly at this moment in my life, when I feel more confused about what I’m doing in my own career than I did when I was her age.

I always felt certain that by the time I reached the age I am now, I would know exactly what I should be doing with my life. In fact, the opposite is true. The only thing I seem to know with any certainty is that what I AM doing as it pertains to “work” is not quite right.

I left  a fantastic job to become self-employed because I no longer wanted to do work that didn’t matter deeply to me. I felt a strong sense of mis-alignment. Something was just off.

Fast forward 2 years and I feel stuck again. I still find myself doing work which is meaningful to the world, but somehow it is still not providing the kind of satisfaction I expected that it might. Something is still not quite right.

Not long after my conversation with my uncle, my brother asked me if I had gotten caught in the trap of making a living at the expense of  doing what I am most passionate about.  I had to answer yes, because it is true.

Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply grateful for the work which I do and I am fortunate to work with organizations whose work  is to make the world a better place. This is certainly meaningful to me, yet the pull of what I really love is indeed stronger. I have a strong sense that I am not yet doing that which is my truest calling.

In truth I’ve never fully expressed what it is I really love. Mostly because it always seemed frivolous to me. I grew up in a time and culture which valued practical professions. Accounting, medicine, engineering, banking. When I was in high school I decided that when I went to college it would to get a “Management Degree”.  In retrospect I’m not sure what I thought I’d do with that degree. I just knew I’d be a “business person”.  In reality I think that the business path was the one of least resistance. I did not excel in mathematics or science, so management was really my only choice. It was also sufficiently professional and respectable and seemed to offer the promise of my being being able to earn money and support myself.

What I really excelled in and absolutely loved in school were all my English and writing classes. My favorite class in high school was English Literature. I mean seriously, the whole class involved reading books and then talking and writing about them. SWEET.

I won a number of awards and school prizes for writing throughout my educational career. (Which are ALL available for viewing and proudly curated by my Mama  in the Museum of the Cleverest Children Ever – otherwise know as her house). I also excelled in debate. In college I came to love public speaking and discovered it to be one of my strengths. No matter how nervous I was, I always did great anytime I had to stand in front of an audience and speak.

So just to summarize, the three things I excel at and enjoy the most are reading, writing and running my mouth.

It never occurred to me that a living could be made from this. I am beginning to suspect that it might, but the how or the what of it is unclear to me from where I stand.

Can you understand why at this moment in my life I might consider myself to be unqualified to offer career advice to my sweet young cousin?

I don’t know that I could advise her as to what path might offer the most job opportunities, the highest pay, or the greatest chance for advancement.

The only thing I could tell her for sure is just what Rumi says in that beautiful quote. To be drawn by the stronger pull of what she really loves.

I could tell her the importance of creating a space in her life for that which she really loves, because not doing so stifles the spirit and eventually she would feel the pain of it even though it might takes years before she realized what the root of that pain was.

I could tell her that denying your gifts kills a little something in your soul, whether or not you are aware of it.

I have felt this pain myself. I have paid the price for not honoring and owning my gifts. In fact I have denied  them full expression. I have stifled them. Shoved them into dark corners and suffocated them under seat cushions. I have hidden them under piles of beliefs about what I should do, who I should be and how I should live up to other peoples expectations of me.

Finally I would tell her something else which Rumi said, which is to “let the beauty of what you love be what you do.”

That’s as much as I know for myself and I am going to make sure that I make space for that which I love. I am going to take time to wrap my arms fully around it and hold it close. I am going to honor it, cherish it and thank God for it.  I am going to put it on a shelf and everyday I will dust it, polish it and then sit back and look at it in gratitude. I will do all this and trust with my heart and soul that it will not lead me astray.

It will lead me home.

For many months now I have been toying with the idea of cutting my hair. I’m not talking about cutting my locs a little shorter… I’m talking big-chopping my hair down to a teeny weeny Afro (TWA).

I have had a number of signs recently:

Singer Chrisette Michele

1. A few months ago a woman came into a Bikram yoga class rocking a TWA and I was oh so envious. Partly because it was super cute. Partly because of the  freedom of doing all that sweating sans hair.
2. Big Sister recently cut her hair into a TWA. She looks gorgeous. She knows how to rock a classy TWA.  She came home with a sassy head full of tiny curls, tinted with just a hint of red-brown color which catches the light just so with every tilt of her sassy head. LOVING it.
3. Then, whilst perusing the interwebs I came across a pic of the incomparably lovely and talented singer Chrisette Michele after she big-chopped her hair into a gleaming golden TWA last year. So stunning.
4. Last night I had a dream in which I was putting my hair up into a ponytail (something I do far too often).   As I wrapped the hair elastic thingy around the ponytail one last  time the entire thing came off in my hand effectively leaving me with a TWA.  (Although I had a few locks remaining at the back of my head which hung over my shoulders in a disturbingly mullet-like fashion.)  The significant thing about this dream is that I did not gasp in horror as I stared at my hair clutched in my hand. In fact I recall feeling nothing but a sense of relief.

Truth be told, the desire to undergo the Big Chop (BC) has been with me for close to a year now. Clearly I need to make a decision one way or the other.

Reasons not to do it

• Its scary.
• There is a distinct possibility that I may do it and then suffer massive regret – at which point there will be no turning back and I will be miserable and may have to resort to wearing wigs.
• I have invested over 10 years in to growing my SisterLocks.
• I will lose the styling options I have with the SisterLocks,  although the infrequency with which I actually style my hair renders this point moot. More often than not my hair is worn in the dreamed about ponytail.
• What will people think? Part of me is afraid of the assumptions people will make based on this hairstyle. Particularly  professional contacts. I recognize that a) I really shouldn’t care what people think, particularly since I have zero control over their thoughts anyway ;  b) that anyone who is judgemental  enough to make negative assumptions about me based on my hair, has probably already done so based on my present hairstyle; and c) any people who are narrow minded enough to judge me negatively because of my hair  really aren’t the kind of people I choose to work with. Given their general judginess it is just as likely that they are judging me based on my skin color, nationality, gender etc.
• No more long hair for my man to run his fingers through -  with the TWA  its more a case off running a hand over.  However this point is rendered [temporarily] moot given that at present I am manless.

Reasons to do it

• Its scary.
• Change is good. Recent events in my life have caused me to do some massive revaluation of who I am, what I believe, and how I choose to live etc. I’m talking pretty major shifts in my fundamental “me-ness”. I can only describe it as major reset as I prepare to move into the latest version of myself. Sue 3.0. (If you’re wondering when Sue 2.0 happened, believe me when I say it did – I just didn’t mention it here). What better way to reset than by Big Chopping my hair?
• I have heard it said that hair carries energy and absorbs the stress and negative energy from our experiences.  Following this line of thought then my hair is carrying some CRAZY energy, given that I’ve had my locks for 10ish years which spanned both the Sue  1.0 and  2.0 days. Believe me when I say there were lots of  system crashes, general buggyness, hacker attacks and many incidents of mental viruses and malware going on in those versions. It seems logical that any and all negative energy must be released from my person in order to enable version 3.0 to run smoothly.
• Freedom. After a more than a month off I will be getting back into my regular (almost) daily Bikram yoga practice. It would be so wonderful to sweat without having all that hair on my head.  No more having to worry about constantly washing, rinsing and drying my hair in order to avoid having stinky-sweat hair.
• We’re heading into summer here and a cute little TWA is a perfect summertime look. Plus it’s wash and go! No muss, no fuss.

• The toss of the genetic dice which blessed me with a nicely [normally]  shaped head and ears which are not too sticky out so that I actually look pretty good with short hair. I had really short hair for a few years back in my 20′s and I loved it.

I’m sure there are other factors, but I won’t belabour them here. Needless to say a decision needs to be made, and hopefully that will happen soon. After all, its just hair.

A  few days ago our yoga teacher repeatedly reminded us to stay close to the simple things in our practice. These things – breath, awareness, focus –  he said, were the foundation which would enable us to push through when the work we were doing  became challenging.

Today was a day full of simple things.

It was my Mother’s Birthday.

I had to drive 2 and half hours to a meeting today and even then I was able to stay close to the simple things.  Waking up at 4am to the stillness of early morning, when all is so quite that I can hear the breath of  God.  Stopping for my coffee at Quikchek greeted by smiles from the people who work there, who are often the first faces I see each morning. Sharing a laugh with a sweet woman also named Sue.

Even when a man accidentally tried to get into my car instead of his own, I stayed close to that simple thing called laughter. He laughed too. “I promise I didn’t take the good silver,”  he joked.

Even the fact that there was messy slushy, snow and rain for most of my drive was OK. I stayed close to the simple joy of being in the car, warmed by the blast of the heater and comforted by my fragrant cup of coffee. I stayed close to the simple joy of listening to my music, singing out loud and dancing in my seat when I felt so moved.

My meeting seemed full of simple things. Doing work that matters. Helping. Contributing my gifts. Gratitude for the fact that people value my work.  Working with kind, generous, passionate people who BELIEVE in the power of creativity. We ended by breaking bread .  Eating lunch together before I made the return trip. There was the simple  joy of talking to my Mother on the phone on the way home, and then when the conversation was done, blasting more music and jamming all the way.

My day ended as it often does with yoga.  Today was one of those days when yoga was delicious. Yes delicious. It was one of those days when the perfect combination of ingredients comes together in some sort of  alchemy which transforms the 90 minutes of class into a truly sublime experience. The combination of this particular group of people on this particular night, with this particular teacher came together to create a syngergy that lifted me and carried me through the class. While I could feel the energy of those around me, could see the beautiful synchronized movement of our collective body  - I felt fully focused on myself. My breathe. My body

I felt hyperaware of  every sensation. Of the miracle of sinew and bone. Of  muscle and skin.  I felt with vivid awareness, the pulsing of my heart and the exquisite rush of blood as it flowed to every part of my body. It seemed I could feel it’s very movement through my blood vessels.

I experienced the pain of stretching muscles and twisting joints not as pain, but rather as a profound reminder of  the gift of the vessel which is mine for this journey. Each pain was an exquisite affirmation of my aliveness and of the very power of creation moving in me.

The sweat of my body today was a bendediction. A blessing of all that is. As it is.  It felt cleansing in some deeply elemental way. I could hear the tap tap of the drops of sweat falling to my mat, washing away all the sadness, frustration, fear and anxiety that had been layered on my skin. I imagined that I could see it sink through the layers of towel, mat, carpet, lining, wood, and cement – into the very earth –  washing away those awful feelings and taking them to be used as nourishment for some seed waiting dormant in the ground. Some seed which would grow into something verdant. Something lush with love.

Leaving the yoga studio to discover that there was freezing rain pelting down did not shift me either. I drove home thinking of the simple things which awaited me. The coziness of my apartment. The soft mewling welcome of my cat. A hot shower. Warm fleece pajamas.  Hot fragrant, spicy Vietnamese soup left over from my lunch. A glass of velvety pinot noir.

And this. Sitting at my computer, lulled by the shush of cars on the street below as they driving through the slush.  The sweetness of having allowed these words to flow out of  me, through my fingertips, to dance themselves into reality on the screen. The pure unadulterated joy of creating something. Saying something. Feeling something. Not because I have to. Not because I’m trying to accomplish anything in particular.  Just because it was there.

I understand what he meant when he said that the simple things are the foundation which carries us through when things are hard. The hard things are there my friend. Believe me.  I have been carrying around heartbreak, overwhelm, sadness, fear, anxiety and more that is hard. It’s all there gathered at my feet, looking up at me. Waiting for me to take it back up and focus on it rather than my peace. But for now, for today, the simple things are holding me steady. Rooting me firmly to the earth and enabling me to step my way unflinchingly around the hard things without losing my balance.

So for today. And perhaps tomorrow, and the next day, I will stay close to the simple things.

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Author: Holly Root)

Best gift this year, hands down is the gift of being alive. I know it sounds incredibly cheesy, but it’s true.

I feel somehow more grateful for the very simple fact of my life. I am aware of what a precious gift this journey is, and I feel more inclined to treat the gift with all the care and tending it deserves instead of just tossing it into a corner as I have done in years gone by.

I want to put this gift on a shelf, where it can be seen and admired everyday. I want to keep it free of dust and mold and let  it sparkle and shine just like it did when it was brand spanking new.

I want this to be the gift which truly keeps on giving.

I want to gift to keep giving joy and enjoyment to all who look at it, just as it was meant to do.  That is after all the purpose of a gift is it not?

So yes, the best gift I received is not a new gift. It is a gift rediscovered. A gift taken out of the dark corner where it had been carelessly tossed and forgotten, and all of the dust and debris of the intervening years cleaned off to reveal its hidden beauty.

It is a  gift made brand new.

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

For me what was defining about 2010 was not one specific moment or even a series of events. It was the cumulative effect of ALL the moments which made up my life in those 365 days.

It is the difference between who I was when the year began and who I was at it close.

I cannot say what alchemy led to the the transformation of who I am, but all I can say is that all those moments left me a stronger, saner, more peaceful me.

All those moments, big and small, good and bad, happy and sad some how came together like pieces of a mosaic to create a clearer, truer picture of what it means to be me!

December 28 – Achieve What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

The thing I want to achieve most in 2011 is PEACE.

I’m guessing when it happens I’ll feel peaceful

I’m not talking about World Peace (even though I’d love if that could be achieved in 2011 also). I’m talking about inner peace. My peace.

No I don’t want to spend my life suspended in a meditative state with everything quiet and still around me.

I just want to have that surprising sensation of knowing that I am OK regardless of what’s happening around me.

I’ve had glimpses of this peace in 2010 and I want more of it.

This peace is like a beautiful little nugget that you carry around inside. We all have it, but for most of us it gets buried in the mass of emotional turmoil that is our life. I know mine was buried for along time, but I’ve been excavating and it began to be revealed for me in 2010.

This nugget is treasure indeed. It holds the precious truth of who and what I am and carries with it the reminder hat this truth cannot ever be taken away from me and cannot ever be changed. No matter what seems to be happening around me or to me.

When I remember this truth I remember that I am not my drama or my mistakes or my trauma or my failed relationships or even my successful relationships. I am ME.

When I remember this truth I remember that it is no one’s responsibility but my own to love me or to make me feel special or to make me happy.

When I remember this truth I know that I am OK and have always been OK and will always be OK, come what may.

When I remember this truth I know that I am, as Max Ehrmann put it so beautifully in his famous quote “a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars”.

This is what I seek to achieve.

Unshakable, constant peace.

December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown)

I remember driving in my car on my way to yoga (where else would I be going?) and seeing the most incredible sunset as I drove down the highway.

There I was on Route 280 west in navigating my way through the final throes of northern New Jersey rush hour  traffic, yet also witnessing this miracle of nature.

I was completely overwhelmed by the beauty of the sun descending behind a cluster of trees. It took my breath away.

I can’t imagine any moment more ordinary than driving in rush hour traffic, but that sunset was extraordinarily beautiful and gave me a moment of EXTRA ordinary joy!

Sunset on 280

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.(Author: Tracey Clark)

I love this. Mostly because I’ve always wanted to have a picture taken when I was jumping for joy. I finally accomplished it in Miami, on South Beach one cool February evening. It was about time.

I’d like to jump for joy more often.

I’d like to never be afraid of jumping for joy in front of other people. It may have looked a little crazy the 20 times I had to jump before my cousin captured this image, but I didn’t care. I was having too much fun.

I also think this picture reveals that I can jump pretty darn high!

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (Author: Kate Inglis)

This moment on my mat in the yoga studio seems to be becoming up a lot in my reflections.

My yoga practice was clearly a significant part of my year and for whatever reason, when I spend that 90 minutes sweating my butt off (literally) in the torture chamber, I really do feel that everything is not just going to be alright, but has been alright all along.

Incorporating the discovery is easy. More yoga please.