The tides of change continue to wash over me. It is exciting and sometimes terrifying.   The changes occurring are pushing me beyond my comfort zone in almost every area of my life.  It would seem that I have stepped into a vortex of accelerated growth. I am grateful, however. I feel a completely different person than I did a short month ago. The best part is that I continue to have fun.

New digs and my B.A.D.

The B.A.D

I have officially moved into the Wellness Possibilities office and I have a B.A.D – that would be a Big Ass Desk!!!     I love this desk. It feels so “grown-up”.

After 2 years of working out of a corner of my living room, I am so enjoying having an office to go to everyday.  I hadn’t realized how isolated I was beginning to feel working by myself all the time. My creativity and productivity have soared in the time I’ve been here.  There are a couple of other things to love about working here:

• The dancing -  yep, there are dance breaks throughout the course of a normal work day. If  a good song comes on, we crank it up and DANCE baby.
• The dress code – to quote my office mate when I asked if there was one – “If you can dance in it then you can wear it to work!”

• The learning – WP and the people who are a part of it are all about growth and learning. I am already experiencing expanded growth.  It is such a part of what this company is about that it would be impossible to be here and not experience growth. This is not without its challenges because I can tell you all now that all my STUFF is coming out because of it.  I guess it’s coming up so it can be dealt with and released. This can be emotionally exhausting, but I’m grateful that it’s happening.

On holding the space

There is another unexpected aspect to my role with WP. It looks like I’ll be doing some regular Vlogging (video blogging if you’re wondering what that means).   I have already recorded one video.  This is a great example of something that brought up some stuff for me. While I was excited about the idea of vlogging, the thought of it made all my habitual patterns of feeling unworthy/fear of success/fear of failure/fear of success come forth in all their insanity. Intense stuff!  I’m sure I’ll talk more about it as I work my way through it. In the meantime here is my first video:

Bikram goes viral (sort of)

I’m so excited that several members of my family are trying out Bikram yoga! My cousin in London is on day 17 of a 30 day challenge! And my brother and his wife in South Africa are on day 4 of their first 30 days.

You guys know how much I love Bikram yoga, so you can just imagine how happy this news makes me. It has been an important tool for healing and wellness on my journey.  When I saw my family a few months back – everyone was astonished by my how much weight I had lost and how much better I looked compared to the last time they’d seen me. Obviously I shared my Bikram experience and apparently the difference in my body and my health was enough to convince Big Brother and Sister-In-Law to try it. They live in Johannesburg and there is a studio pretty close to their house. Loving it!!  Now I just need to work on getting a studio in Zimbabwe…..

“Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love
It will not lead you astray” ~Rumi

A few weeks ago while catching up with one of my favorite Uncles, he asked me to have a conversation with his eldest daughter, who is in her last year of high school and planning to go on to university to study actuarial science. He is concerned that this particular path of study is not one that offers plenty of employment opportunities. I don’t know anything about being an actuary, so I can’t say if this is indeed the case.

He  seemed to think that “I” could offer her practical advice that might encourage her to consider a different path.

I wondered what on earth I could possibly tell her. I didn’t say to my Uncle that in fact I felt like the least qualified person to advice a young person on a career path. Particularly at this moment in my life, when I feel more confused about what I’m doing in my own career than I did when I was her age.

I always felt certain that by the time I reached the age I am now, I would know exactly what I should be doing with my life. In fact, the opposite is true. The only thing I seem to know with any certainty is that what I AM doing as it pertains to “work” is not quite right.

I left  a fantastic job to become self-employed because I no longer wanted to do work that didn’t matter deeply to me. I felt a strong sense of mis-alignment. Something was just off.

Fast forward 2 years and I feel stuck again. I still find myself doing work which is meaningful to the world, but somehow it is still not providing the kind of satisfaction I expected that it might. Something is still not quite right.

Not long after my conversation with my uncle, my brother asked me if I had gotten caught in the trap of making a living at the expense of  doing what I am most passionate about.  I had to answer yes, because it is true.

Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply grateful for the work which I do and I am fortunate to work with organizations whose work  is to make the world a better place. This is certainly meaningful to me, yet the pull of what I really love is indeed stronger. I have a strong sense that I am not yet doing that which is my truest calling.

In truth I’ve never fully expressed what it is I really love. Mostly because it always seemed frivolous to me. I grew up in a time and culture which valued practical professions. Accounting, medicine, engineering, banking. When I was in high school I decided that when I went to college it would to get a “Management Degree”.  In retrospect I’m not sure what I thought I’d do with that degree. I just knew I’d be a “business person”.  In reality I think that the business path was the one of least resistance. I did not excel in mathematics or science, so management was really my only choice. It was also sufficiently professional and respectable and seemed to offer the promise of my being being able to earn money and support myself.

What I really excelled in and absolutely loved in school were all my English and writing classes. My favorite class in high school was English Literature. I mean seriously, the whole class involved reading books and then talking and writing about them. SWEET.

I won a number of awards and school prizes for writing throughout my educational career. (Which are ALL available for viewing and proudly curated by my Mama  in the Museum of the Cleverest Children Ever – otherwise know as her house). I also excelled in debate. In college I came to love public speaking and discovered it to be one of my strengths. No matter how nervous I was, I always did great anytime I had to stand in front of an audience and speak.

So just to summarize, the three things I excel at and enjoy the most are reading, writing and running my mouth.

It never occurred to me that a living could be made from this. I am beginning to suspect that it might, but the how or the what of it is unclear to me from where I stand.

Can you understand why at this moment in my life I might consider myself to be unqualified to offer career advice to my sweet young cousin?

I don’t know that I could advise her as to what path might offer the most job opportunities, the highest pay, or the greatest chance for advancement.

The only thing I could tell her for sure is just what Rumi says in that beautiful quote. To be drawn by the stronger pull of what she really loves.

I could tell her the importance of creating a space in her life for that which she really loves, because not doing so stifles the spirit and eventually she would feel the pain of it even though it might takes years before she realized what the root of that pain was.

I could tell her that denying your gifts kills a little something in your soul, whether or not you are aware of it.

I have felt this pain myself. I have paid the price for not honoring and owning my gifts. In fact I have denied  them full expression. I have stifled them. Shoved them into dark corners and suffocated them under seat cushions. I have hidden them under piles of beliefs about what I should do, who I should be and how I should live up to other peoples expectations of me.

Finally I would tell her something else which Rumi said, which is to “let the beauty of what you love be what you do.”

That’s as much as I know for myself and I am going to make sure that I make space for that which I love. I am going to take time to wrap my arms fully around it and hold it close. I am going to honor it, cherish it and thank God for it.  I am going to put it on a shelf and everyday I will dust it, polish it and then sit back and look at it in gratitude. I will do all this and trust with my heart and soul that it will not lead me astray.

It will lead me home.

I am astounded that January has already come and gone. How did that happen?

January brought with it many things including a return to a consistent Bikram yoga practice after some time away. I am so happy to be back in the warm, wet fold of the yoga room – particularly given the frigid, snowy, sleety, and generally challenging winter we are experiencing right now. The hot room is a blessed respite that feels to me like a mini-vacation. I am sometimes tempted to show up with a beach chair, my trusty Amazon Kindle and an icy pitcher of margaritas.

If you practice Bikram yoga for any amount of time, there are certain oft-used phrases with which you become familiar. One of those phrases is “if you fall out, get back in”. It’s one of my favorites. Basically it means that if you fall out of a posture for whatever reason, you should try again. Even if its only for a second. This is how you incrementally build your strength and flexibility. Our teachers are constantly reminding us of this simple but important lesson. Try it, and if you fail, try again. Get back in. Sometimes we are so fixated on the end goal – some “perfect” expression of the pose – that we forget that the only way we might actually get there is to keep trying, falling out and getting back in.

Even more important is the fact that in order to fall out you have to actually attempt the posture.

During the classes I took over the past few days I began to celebrate each time I fell. I welcomed every moment when I could no longer hold a posture because I couldn’t breathe, or a muscle gave out or I lost my balance, or my mind just decided it hurt too much. I welcomed the moments when I staggered, trembled, ached, swayed, crumpled and collapsed.

I welcomed these moments of failure because I recognized what they meant. They meant I was trying. I was attempting the postures in the best way I could in each and every single moment and by doing so I was building my practice. My strength. My flexibilty. My ability to endure. I was laying the foundation for my perfect expression of the postures.  I knew that I always had the option of getting back in.

I was talking to a dear friend after class who is grappling with the ending of a long-term relationship and she described this ending to me as a failure.

“I have failed”,  she said.

In so many ways in our lives, we are holding on to a vision of a “perfect” expression of some areas of our lives that we lose sight of the fact that the only way to ever arrive there is by trying, falling out and getting back in. We see ourselves as holding the postures of perfect spouse, parent, employee, woman, man – any number of roles – and when we fall out of these postures we are convinced we have failed and that the failure is irrevocable.

We have – but I think thats a great thing. It means we have tried. We may have to try again. And again. Repeatedly. And we will fail and fall and lose our balance many more times before all is said and done.

Failure in any respect means that you showed up, and did the best your were capable of.  Yes, you may have fallen out, but you can always get back in. Sometimes the best we we are capable of looks and feels really awful but it is all that we can accomplish in that moment. It is what it is. Had we been capable of more we would surely have given it.  So we are left with a choice. Do we give up altogether or do we get back in?

Bikram yoga has taught me the importance of  getting back in. There are days when I show up to the yoga studio feeling beyond awful. When I force my way through class with a lousy attitude, a reluctant body and a heavy spirit. My body is a clumsy weight that I begrudgingly fling around for 90 minutes while I feel, sad, angry or resentful. It may not be the best version of me that shows up, but apparently its the best that I am capable of that day.  No matter the circumstance, I do my best. The next day I come back to class.

I get back in.

I couldn’t argue with my friend when she said that she had failed. Not only did I  not want to give her some sugary, greeting card platitude, how could I argue with the  unarguable fact that this relationship had failed.  Yes, I told her, your relationship has failed. You have failed and he has failed, but  the good news is that means you tried. You both did the best that you were capable of in each and every moment of your time together. It might not have always looked pretty, but it was the best you could do with what you knew at the time.  The question now is will you you get back in?

Another oft-used phrase I hear in the yoga studio is that it is not called yoga perfect, but yoga practice. To practice is to try, fall and get back in.

Life is not about perfection – it is about practice. This is the essence of living. We are given the gift of always having the opportunity of getting back in when we fall, stumble and fail.  Failure has become a dirty word to many of us but I’m convinced that it is in fact an awesome word that carries with it the gift of  life! Failing means we are trying. It means we are growing, evolving, learning! It means we have alive for goodness sake. I don’t know any person who shows up in this life as an adult who is fully-formed, fully-evolved and fully-enlightened. Do you? I can only conclude that this is because the gift of our lives is the the journey. It is this which is our lives.

This to me is the sublime passage.

It is the showing up, the trying, the falling and the getting back in. We need to stop being so hard on ourselves and recognize all the ways in which we keep getting back in. Each day we get up and try again – whether it be in our relationships, in our work, in our health – we are getting back in. As we do so we are laying the foundation for the perfect expression of our own unique lives.

So I urge you to be kind to yourselves. Embrace your failing and your falling. Know that it means that you are showing up and giving the best you can, when you can. Above all know that there is always an opportunity to get back in.

This is the first in a 3-part series I’m writing this week reflecting on lessons from the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, sweep streets like Beethoven composed music, sweep streets like Leontyne Price sings before the Metropolitan Opera. Sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will have to pause and say: Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well. If you can’t be a pine at the top of the hill, be a shrub in the valley. Be the best little shrub on the side of the hill.

Be a bush if you can’t be a tree. If you can’t be a highway, just be a trail. If you can’t be a sun, be a star. For it isn’t by size that you win or fail. Be the best of whatever you are. ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

It is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and I, like millions of other people, am remembering and honoring his life and his work and teachings which continue to live on so powerfully.

Dr. King literally changed the world.

I don’t know about you, but I have a deep desire to create change in the world. There is so much that needs changing and sometimes when I think of  it I have an overwhelming sense of  hopelessness about what I am able – or more importantly unable – to contribute. Reflecting on the lives of people such as Dr. King used to make me feel like there was nothing I could do. After all I’m not a billionaire, I’m not a spiritual master, I’m not a revolutionary. I’m not Oprah. I’m just little old me.

However, I now understand this a little differently. I see that my contribution to changing the world begins with changing myself. With working always to be the best me I can be.

One of the most powerful lessons we can take from Dr. Kings life  is that the way in which we live our own lives is just as necessary to turning our dreams for humanity into reality as the rallies we attend and the petitions we sign.

Dr. King lived his life in a way which embodied each and every ideal he fought for – peace, justice, equality, freedom and above all, love.  He strove always to be the best HE could be, and his life teaches us that we should do the same.

He did not just fight for the highest ideals of humanity – he lived them.

He understood too, the profound connection between all people and that not striving to be the best that we can be ultimately holds humanity back from being the best it can be.

“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”

It’s so easy to think that we are not important or powerful enough to effect change in the world when, in fact being the best version of our ourselves of which we are capable is the most powerful contribution we can make to changing the world. And we don’t need to be rich, famous, revolutionary or Oprah,  in order to do this.

We just need to be work towards being the best parents, friends, wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, employees, employers, co-workers, aunts, uncles, teachers, students, citizens that we can be in any given moment.

We need to be, as Dr King said, the best of whatever we are.

So I challenge you to ask yourself  if you are being the best of whatever you are in your life and if not to consider one small thing that you can do differently today and beyond in order to move yourself closer to this ideal.

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

This prompt totally freaked me out when I first read it.

It freaked me out because it seemed unbelievably overwhelming.

There are so many things I both NEED and WANT to do. Like most people my interests are varied and vast. It seems like even if I decided to completely forgo sleep I couldn’t possibly do it all. This thought is one which often paralyzes me because I think “Why bother? I can’t get it all done anyway”. (Yes, I know, not the most productive thought in the world.)

“What’s your next step?”  How could I possibly synthesize all that I aspired to do into ONE single solitary step?  The prompt didn’t ask what my next steps plural were, but my next step, singular.

As soon as I started writing however, clarity came. It’s amazing what happens when I put fingers to keyboard. I know what my next step is. I’ve known it for a while because I’ve started doing it over the past couple of weeks.

ORGANIZE

Clearly the overwhelm ain’t going away!  My list of things I’d like to accomplish in 2011 is massive and all this reflection I’m doing  is making it grow even faster than usual.

So now that I’ve resigned myself to the fact there will always be a billion and one things I want to achieve and experience,  I need a way to organize it all into some kind of system that helps me move forward.

Perhaps then I can spend a little less time looking and feeling like this:

My secret weapon for organizing? The  Getting Things Done (GTD) methodolgy created by David Allen.

I have read this book many times over the past few years and have made a number of attempts at implementing it. I’ve never fully committed to the system, but even from my half-hearted attempts I know that were I to use it 100% it could totally change my life.

So… my next step is to fully implement the GTD methodolgy and use it to organize everything I want to accomplish across all areas of my life.

Easy right?

I’ll let you know.

I just signed up for a really cool online event called reverb 10.  It’s described on their website as…

…an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. With Reverb 10, we’ll do both.

Every day for the month of December, a prompt will be posted on the reverb10 site. Participants respond to the prompts with a post on their blogs – you can write a response, use a picture or respond via a Tweet. Then we all share our reverberations on the inter-webs. You can even participate offline and privately journal your responses.

Why Did I sign up?

Because…

• I am an inveterate “joiner”
• this year has not turned out the way I imagined and there is a great deal for me to reflect upon
• given the challenges I’ve experienced this year, I am eager to put my energy into manifesting something different for 2011
• I want to do more writing but left to my own devices I am an undisciplined writer. I’m hoping that the structure of being given a daily prompt will incentivize  me in to writing  everyday
• I believe in the power of writing as a gateway to our own wisdom, and what I need more than anything right now is to tap into that inner wisdom so I can get out of my own damn way!

This whole process reminds me  lot of the beloved writing group which I haven’t been to for far too long. You get a prompt, you write, and  you share. It’s  an incredibly powerful process and I’m interested to see how this massive virtual version will work for me. When I signed up today there were already 781 people registered – that’s a whole lot of reverberation!

So, I shall return later on with my response to the first prompt. I need to write it when I have a little quiet time later today.

Till then…

A few weeks ago I watched a re-run of Oprah featuring Kirsty Alley. She was on the show after having  become a spokesperson for Jenny Craig, losing over 70lbs and then gaining it all back a year later.  She talked about what it was like “failing” so publicly.  As they discussed the weight issue, Oprah said of her own struggle,  “I can’t believe I’m still talking about this”. That really resonated with me.

This is how I’ve been feeling lately. I can’t believe I’m still talking about certain issues in my life.

Just when I think I’ve grown in a certain area, I seem to come circling back to it. In fact often it feels like I come back to it in an even worse way then I did the last time. It’s like putting on the weight you lost, plus a little extra.

It’s certainly happened to me with my weight, but there are a number of hot topics for me. For example I can’t believe I’m still talking about the same issues around relationships. I can’t believe that I am still experiencing insecurity and neediness in this regard. Shouldn’t this have stopped in my 20′s? How can it still be such hot topic?   How can a tiny little thing like seeing a picture of an ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend send me spiraling into a frenzy of comparison which leads me to conclude that our relationship didn’t work because I am not as beautiful/interesting /sexy/brilliant as she is. No wonder he broke up with. Who could blame the guy?  I get to feeling so bad about myself that I have to call for help – being talked down from the precipice yet again by my lovely friends. They remind me of  how wonderful I am, administering the kind of emergency care that only girlfriends can give.  A good bottle of wine, a decadent meal, lots of laughter, lots of love and praise. After a while I am able to step back from the precipice. The bottom line though is I can’t believe I’m still talking about this!

There are other places in my life where this happens. Lately its started to make me feel really disheartened. When does it ever end?  Why doesn’t it ever end? Why doesn’t it get better? Why am I back here again?

Last night, after listening to me talk about an issue yet again, a friend asked me “Are you ready to be wrong?” I couldn’t answer immediately.

As I thought about it, it occurred to me that maybe all the things I’m still talking about are those which I haven’t yet been ready to be wrong about. YET.

So many of us hold on to things – whether its feeling bad ourselves or having anger and resentment towards people in our lives because we are so committed to being “right”.  If there is a place where we can’t heal, can’t forgive, can’t forget, can’t move on – its a sure bet that we are clinging  tightly to the way we’ve always seen the situation and we are not yet willing to be open to the possibility that we are wrong about it. Even if its painful we cling on. Even when on some level we KNOW better – know that we need to let something go because its hurting us – we continue to hang on. “Why am I still hanging on to this when I know better?”, I asked my friend.  “Because it doesn’t hurt enough yet” she replied. Ouch.

It hurts enough. In fact it hurts more than enough.

I’m ready and willing to be wrong about a this.  I’m willing to see it differently.

I’m taking a break from the intense work mode I’ve been in the past couple of days to post for an update of goings on in my life.

It is a BEAUTIFUL day on the East Coast day with temperatures in the low 60′s. You know its warm because I just went outside in only two, very thin layers. Come on spring! I am always amazed however, by how little warm weather it takes for people to start springing out tank tops and shorts. It ain’t that warm yet people!

At any rate I had to go outside for fresh air even though I’ve been intently preparing for meeting with one of my new clients tomorrow!  I’m very excited but a tad bit nervous.

As y’all know I am now self-employed as a technology strategist/social media evangelist.  Hmm, still working on exactly how to describe what I do, but those two titles come close.  I get to help non-profits and progressive businesses – people who want to make the world better – use technology to make that happen.  I love PEOPLE, and I get to spend time talking to them, helping them figure things out. Its a little like being a counselor At any rate I’m thrilled because tons of AMAZING projects with some really great organizations are coming my way.

I’m in a really steep learning curve at the moment, trying to figure out all the systems aspects of my practice. Writing proposals, invoicing… all that good stuff. It’s taking me a long time now to do things that I’m sure pretty soon will become quick and easy, but I get to use lots of great technology to do this. Almost all of my work is done using cool/efficient online tools. Yes, I practice what I preach (at least technologically speaking).

A few reflections and lessons learned during my first few months as a freelancer/self-employed/ job-free person:

• I have to force myself to take a shower first thing in the morning. It’s very tempting to think “I’ll just check email” then take a shower”. Next thing you know its 4pm and you’re still in your pj’s at which point you think – “I might as well wait till tomorrow”.  NOT GOOD. Particularly when someone calls you at 5pm inviting you out for coffee or dinner and you’re still unwashed. What I’ve learned: I must take a shower and get dressed in real clothes first thing every morning without fail.
• When you work at home its really easy for the lines to blur.  I’m having to develop a lot of discipline about when I work and when I don’t. For example, if I’m heavily involved in a project, I cannot stop to watch Oprah – no matter how intriguing the topic. By the same token, I must not check work email during non-work hours because then I end up working for hours in the middle of the night. What I’ve learned: In order to prevent both procrastination and burnout I must give myself a workday structure – and stick to it!
  
• Since I now live in an apartment, my office is a corner of my living room. (Yes, that’s it in the picture). I know some people were worried about my not having a separate office since I spend a good deal of my time at home now. What I’ve learned: When I’m really engaged my location “disappears”. I could be sitting in the middle of the street for all I know.  What I’ve learned: You don’t need a corner office with a big desk to do good work!
• I’m astounded how quickly the time flies and I already have that feeling of there not being enough hours in a day. Granted some of this is because of the learning mode I’m in. Everything is new so it takes longer. What I’ve learned: Its true what they say. – when you’re doing something you love, time flies! Hooray.  I must be doing something I love!
  

While I’m still a little nervous about my ability to “making a living”, I don’t regret my decision one bit. There’s something so freeing about being the mistress of my own destiny. Some days, if I don’t have anything major going on I take an afternoon nap. Granted, I usually end up feeling guilty but I’m starting to get over that. It reminds me of when I left home for the first time and I would go out at all hours of the  night. I’d keep having this feeling that I was doing something really bad and any minute my mother would be calling to tell me to get my butt back home.  I’m (almost) over that feeling so I’m sure I’ll get over this

So there you have it news from the land of the job-free!  Now I should get back to work before the boss catches me on the internet…